I immediately felt like a ton of weight was lifted off me the moment I answered, out loud, "Yes" to Jesus. Years and years of anger, guilt, shame and regret were taken from me and I became full of so much gratitude and feelings of freedom. Days later I really had a hard time believing that all those past feelings that kept me in despair and pain, with no hope for a way out, were... gone. I kept asking people, "Is this just a high and will it all come back again?" It hasn't, but as new pain and anger come up from old memories, I give to Him and He takes it away.
I had hope finally. Real hope, not just the knowledge that hope was a possibility, but actual hope. It felt like the Bible says, my old life died away and God created a new life inside of me. I began to see how He had been working in my life long before, and how all the times I believed He wasn't there or ever existed, He was by my side guiding and protecting me through my worst days.
I know I didn't deserve nor did I ever even expect Him to want or love me because of what I had done and who I was. I'm just so grateful that He patiently waited for me and pursued me. Very loudly at times, nonstop for those days. He waited while I worked through my issues of stubbornness, pride, willfulness, control, lack of faith and unwillingness to surrender.
All this new creation, new life and new way of thinking with the Holy Spirit guiding and helping me have been awesome at times but also humbling. I keep saying this is not how my life was supposed to go. I was just going to try and stay sober and gain what coping skills I could while at GB. Only God, in His time, could change me and He did.
The new life He gave me is just that-a new life- the past is dead and gone along with my old self. I am and forever will be a new creation in Christ. He is my true Savior, Father and friend. I have already seen that if I don't turn and surrender daily to His will and control of my life I will go back, almost instantly, to old ways of thinking and His voice will grow quiet. He is working in me everyday to change my thoughts and heart and I'm excited for what plans and purpose He has for me!